Blogging about my experiences in life and reflections with my walk (or crawl) with Christ. Everything I blog is about the lessons I have learned in many areas of my life. I try to be as transparent and organic as possible to talk about what no one dares to utter because of the shame, guilt or embarrassment that cripples us as human to express freely, without fear of judgement. I've seen as one of my passions and purpose to create and continue to develop this blog...
“Sometimes the devil allows people to live free of trouble so they don’t need God.” - Mina's Mother, Film "God's Not Dead"
First time I heard that line in the film God's Not Dead, it hit a nerve. I was already a Christian (baby Christian, still learning the ropes), but overall that line felt condemning. After I did research on this quote, I came to find that it was actually in the bible:
The feeling of guilt and condemnation hit, sinner, liar, whore, bastard, traitor, glutinous slave. The list goes on with every noun that can be found in the dictionary and thesaurus. It's eye opening to see how God will try to reach out to us and pull us away from self condemnation and guilt. However, the true question was why had I looked for comfort in all the wrong things in life and not the Lord? What lead me to find comfort on earthly things? Why was it so easy to buy new shoes and purses, indulge and savor while eating Twinkies or donuts, have intercourse and engage in amours relationships or gossip and break down people's confidence? Why was it so challenging to talk to the Lord? Because I didn't think he would hear me out? Because I didn't know he could hear me? Or because my shame was greater than my faith? It was because I felt unworthy of his grace and love...
The first time I attended my church, I was skeptical of what I was doing there. Everyone seemed joyful and full of happiness, I questioned their demeanor and true intentions. I sat through my first Christian service and listened to the pastor, towards the end he said something that caught my attention, "Church is a hospital for sinners, not a country club for saints." my thought was, what would he know about sinning? And how could God forgive me for anything and everything that I had done? Did God not know what I had been capable of? Was he blind or plain ignorant? Does he really exist or is he waiting for the right time to strike me with a lighting bolt?
We often see sins as stubborn stains on a carpet or beautiful garment, permanent and grotesque. However, God is the ultimate cleanser (and cleaner) which comes and concentrates on us as long as we let him in our lives and as long as we accept his grace. Our doubts are always there whether he will abandon us, and he doesn't, as long as we repent and move forward not back, he never walks away, we do when we feel deep in our filth and condemnation.
That is where I found myself,deep in filth and condemnation, lacking comfort, not wanting material things which were not filling the emptiness I had been feeling. I wanted something concrete, a feeling of hope and faith, feeling of worth and restoration.A lighter load in my life, because I was being weighed down on all my poor choices. Living freely with all the things I wanted was not freedom, but a never ending prison, never able to find true peace and always seeking for public approval.
Sometimes the temporary freedom that we feel starts feeling like the inferno that we were trying to avoid. Going through the same cycles of insanity and despair, total denial of our true lingering habits which would take us away from God and his grace.
Walking back to God
After that first service, I felt a sense of promise, I found hope. part of me questioned if this was a temporary feeling, while another part felt that I had found my sanctuary. The only way to find out was by going back to church the following week... and I did. This has been my Aha moment...