Thursday, August 25, 2016

Identity Part 3...


How I see myself now... compared to before...

Learning that people leave your life is hard. Learning that you are not who you use to be is a challenge. Sometimes people get stuck on who we were before some major change in our life.  It has been a challenge to move from who I was to who I am becoming. I know there are old friendships I wish would forgive my shortcomings, however the last impression I left was that, a lasting impression that pushed them away from me. Having dealt with my negative character defects has left me at a loss of those friendships. 


Part of the changes is breaking bad habits, overcoming the hurts and sub coming to the process of healing. Some of the hangups that I did not realize I had, include enabling people. To some extent I wanted to become that superhero that everyone can rely on to get answers, address concerns, have resources, provide support and networking. Little did i know that yes I can provide that but to some limitation, it is God who will provide all and not myself. This also includes learning to surrender so that other people don't rely on me but they can rely on God, otherwise I've enabled them to always count on me to solve their every day life issues. 


As I completed my second inventory at my second trial of this 12 step program, I came to realize that the reason I provided so much help and support was because in many points in my life I lacked the help and support I was seeking. I felt rejected, abandoned ,unworthy, ignored, overshadowed and invisible. Yet in the long run I came to see that I matter I have value, and I can still contribute without exhausting my being and as long as I set healthy boundaries with those around me from coworkers, family, friends, ministry, church and relationships. But the only being with whom I cannot and should not set a boundary is with God. Setting a boundary with God is like not wanting oxygen, and we need oxygen to breathe and live daily. 





My weakness can become my strength
Unfortunately, I cannot control how I behaved in the past nor erase the many mistakes that I have made. This inventory helped me to realize that while I know that I matter to God, I had not submitted myself completely to be used by God. What I did in the past has rippled consequences in my life. Not every consequence has taken place at the same time, but whenever I come to a challenge or obstacle in my life, there are triggers that hit specific memories of any wrongdoing I have done and then I realize that I need to brace myself because I might be in for a deep valley where I will need to rely more on God, not only for strength but for him to remind me of his grace and forgiveness. For this reason it is important to make amends not so much to help others clean their side of the street but more for our internal peace with who we are and who we are becoming in Christ. 




How I want to be remembered...
I know that I am not ready to die, nor do I know when this will happen but each day that I wake up is a new opportunity that God has granted me to fulfill the purpose that he has designed me for and to continue working on myself as well as helping others find hope and faith. 

It's interesting that I have never dreamed of a fantasy wedding, the birth of a child, the purchase of a home, the adoption of a pet or the passing of a loved one. However, I have always imagined what my funeral would be like, who will be involved, who will be notified, what songs will be played, what people will say about me, overall how I might have impacted those in my life. I know that not everyone will remember me in the best light or in the best memories. Some will forget about me, some will try to ignore and some will be very impacted on my passing. My hope is that when that time comes, that my life is seen as a lesson what can go wrong, can go right and that people understand that trying to be good and trying to do good are an every day constant battle that take place day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute. The battle of good and evil is more internal than what people expect or realize. It consists of doing good v. our own free will for our own benefit of each and every situation. That is what got Satan kicked out of the kingdom of heaven. Not willing to do God's will and trying to make his own will Godly, and make himself equal to God. When I leave this earth I want to be remember for having developed devotion to God, serving God, and embracing humility on a daily, not for wanting to be better than God as I did in my early adulthood. 



What I want to pass on to others...

Whether we are believer or non-believers, we all have purpose not only in our long term formation, but in our every day life. Our identity will continue to develop, form, change blossom and morph and both attract or push away people. However, bottom line is to always be connected to our higher power which will give us a place to belong, in heaven. While we are here, always give hope to the hopeless, plant a seed of faith to the faithless and grace to those who find themselves lost in the world. 



And this has been my Aha moment...