Friday, May 27, 2016
Learning to Breathe a breath at a time...
Be still and know that I am God- Psalm 46:10
It's been awhile since my last entry, these couple of days were a roller coaster, many ups and downs. These last couple of months have been heavy in reflection on learning to be still. While there were blessings coming in my life, there were some moments where hope was nothing more than a concept in my mind trying to reassure myself that there was logic to God and his blessings or miracles of which I had heard. Yet, that mere thought was insulting to God's power, as he can make many things happen in our lives. The things that he can make happen take time and patience, his time and our need to develop patience.
I found myself about three months ago questioning my job, my second twelve step from Celebrate Recovery, my relationship with my boyfriend and some of my close friendships that I've had for years. I was getting up and going to work, lacking enthusiasm, lacking energy and just wanting to do what I needed to do and leave as soon as the day was over. However, it all left me questioning why I was so perplexed with my staggering situation, why did I feel so disconnected, so alone, lacking growth and lacking zest for life.
I knew for sure my passion for work was over, I was a vendor on-site with the #1 high tech company of Silicon Valley, and yet I managed to plateau. This was interesting to me, that I managed to plateau where I thought I would grow more as a professional. I was not challenged as a professional, or in the personal, and I had reached out numerous times to my manager asking for challenging and complex projects. My work became very routine, I could do certain volumes by a given point, process things knowing the procedures by heart and be done with most of my workload before noon time. I knew early this year that I was plateauing, and I knew this was going to be a challenge because I dislike not growing and not being able to go to the next level. I started to realized that I would need to start talking to God about this uncertainty.
Sure enough within a couple of weeks after the new year, my work started changing, but for the worse. Since I was able to do high volume, my employer was giving me high volume work, not complex just more work. More work meant more hours, and more hours meant I was more tired. I started to lag in my 12 step, was disconnected in my relationship and completely fell off sight with old friendships. My new Christian friendships understood, they would pray with me (and continued to do so to this day), that these challenges were arising for some reason and purpose. Bottom line, I started to see a blur of boundaries between my personal and professional life, I had no work life balance.
I was not living, I was just existing. I had forgotten to live my life, and was just focused on making the client happy and it was costing a heavy price. During these last months, I enrolled into two bible studies which I was unable to complete, for one I never showed up and for the second one I was only able to show up once. In my relationship I was not connected I was always "busy" or "tired" , in my 12 step I was just going through the motions. I had not journaled, was not painting, or creating. I stopped going to the gym or doing my walks at lunch at work. The pressure was getting to me, how could I not be happy with the #1 company in Silicon Valley, this is and was the company that inspired the area, and the most challenging place to get in to develop a career. But the reality was hitting me, it was possible that I was not meant to be here all along. After all I prayed for what I wanted, not for what God's will was for me.
With all the stress and challenges, I felt that I might need something a little slow pace (I've always been into working out heavy cardio, so I'm use to fast pace). I sat and prayed to God for some enlightenment, and found therapeutic yoga classes, and decided to enroll. That first class was very memorable as the instructor pointed out something to me that was real and was alas very Godly "You've never slowed down before, right? You're deep breathing is off, you are breathing heavily, try to breathe deep and slow, this is not a heavy cardio class." At that moment I knew what she meant and why I was there, I was learning to be still, to slow down, to breathe.
Breathe, I learned how to breathe, how to take a deep breath and slowly but surely exhale letting all my worries and frustrations out with that one exhale, feeling my lungs expand and shrink. Learning to breathe allowed me to also learn to not put so much on myself, but to be still and learn to be patient as God develops at his own timing his will for my life and not my own will anymore.
"The biggest challenge within our human life is to learn to be patient and wait for God's timing in everything and anything on which we have developed our hope. The next challenge is to ask God willingly to do his will in our life not our own, and that is where I found myself, asking for his will in my life, specifically in my career path."
In the past when I found myself ending an assignment or plateauing, I would sit on my laptop, and submit applications everywhere, trying to ensure that I would have a new job lined up. I would sometimes stay up all night till 2 or 3am, ensuring to fill out the application entirely. This time, I did not want to do that, I did not have the energy. I did have the will to ask God for guidance, and for his will not my own. I was learning to be still and allowing God to do his job instead of me doing it for him.
Be still, learn to see the clouds again coming apart like cotton candy, to capture the vivid colors of the blood red roses in bloom, to close my eyes and just listen to the sound of the birds chirping as they have a conversation, or listening to the squirrel running on the dirt collecting fruits and nuts. Live the moment and see the sun set leaving the sky on fire with blazing colors of fuchsia, amber, red, violet and twilight blue. Be still and know that God is in the works, all I need to do is ask him for favor and his will on my life and not my own desires but his and his designed purpose(s) for my life.
The best feeling in the world is knowing you are doing your job, trying to live your life realizing you can do more but instead of jumping off the walls, learning for once to be still and know that HE is God and HE knows best. Then suddenly things change because prayers are being answered. I was literally minding my business, and someone knocked on my door because they saw my potential and talent, for once I was not the one banging on the door trying to get in, the door was opened for me for opportunity of professional growth, personal change and to make a difference.
This has been my Aha moment...